Saturday, March 31, 2007

New Skills

My Fellow Citizens:

I must apologize for taking so long to post to my regular blog. I have been busy with Linderman and such…Considering that I am stuck in Vegas for a little while longer, I thought I would make good use of the time and learn some new skills. When you look at me, I know you wonder why I want to add yet another skill to my long list of attributes. You see an incredibly good-looking man with a lot going for him, and you are correct on both counts.

However, it occurs to me that the world is changing in ways that I don’t believe I can share with you at this time. Consequently, I find myself in a position where I feel it would be in my best interest to become a master at Ka-ray-tay. Yes, my friends, I have enlisted a master to teach me the art of Ka-ray-tay. He is helping me get in touch with my inner Confucius.

The training is coming along well. I had my Master take a picture of me. I hope you like it. I had to doctor the picture. It turns out that it really isn’t a good idea to wear loose shorts and raise your leg up like that.

Well so long for now. I hope to talk to you again soon.

Nathan Petrelli
Future Congressman

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

The Hard Decision

My fellow New Yorkers:

Things have been rather eventful in my life as of late. I recently had the most perplexing question asked of me. It has made me ponder the decisions I have made. I realize that I am not a happy person. There are a few issues in my life that plague me. I have spent countless hours trying to analyze my decision. Even now, as I write this blog, I wonder have I made the right choice? Of course in the world we live in, I can always change my mind, but I fear with the election looming, any choice I make could be the fatal one...So I come to you now, my fellow New Yorkers, please help me decide...

The Andy Griffith Hair Cut

(part to the side and bush on top)

Or the GQ Hair Cut

(Just the right amount of hair gel.)

I look to you, my friends, to help me decide. (Please respond before my next campaign speech, if possible.)

Nathan Petrelli
Congressional Candidate

Friday, March 9, 2007

I'm doing it for my country.

My fellow citizens:

I just wanted to take a brief moment to reiterate my commitment to working for a better New York and a better America. I have worked tirelessly on my campaign, and I shall work tirelessly once elected. In order to prove my commitment, I feel like I should recount a recent event in my life.

While preparing a case for the DA's office, I came across evidence of money laundering. This is money that was stolen from you, the hard working citizens of this state. At great personal risk to myself, I felt I should confront these thugs. Sadly, I met with some opposition... I was fortunate to slip past these men unharmed.

However, when I arrived at my hotel room, I had a run in with someone I had met in the past. She was willing to go for my manhood if I didn't give her what she wanted. Fortunately what she was after was easy to provide.

It was a sacrifice to give myself in this manner, but I do it for you…The good citizens of my state, and when elected, I plan on giving it to each of you personally. Oh, Sylar, if the future proves me to be a democrat, we may have something to talk about.

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

Job Outsourcing

My fellow New Yorkers:

Over the past month, I have had my campaign volunteers go out onto the streets and interview, you, my fellow New Yorkers to find out what issues are on your mind. Your response was one of outrage over the way jobs are being outsourced overseas. My campaign volunteers tell me that you are tired of seeing workers of third world countries being abused and used for the greed of private industry.
I would like all of you to know, that should you elect me as your Congressman, I will work with policy and law makers to ensure that jobs are not outsourced to the poor underprivileged of other countries. I will make it my mission to keep these jobs in America, were the millions of immigrants on our soil can be misused and abused. I urge you to join with me in making a New York a place of equal-opportunity exploitation.

Vote Petrelli
This message brought to you by The Nathan Petrelli for Congress Fund

The views in this speech are not necessarily the views held by: This site, The Writer, The Campaign Manager, or even Nathan Petrelli.

Thursday, March 1, 2007

Bad Day

Thursday, 8:00 pm

What a day I’ve had...Whew…It started this morning when I overslept. I jumped out of the bed and ran to the shower. It was then that I noticed my little Buddy was staring at my feet instead of my beautiful face. (When I say little, it’s just figurative. It’s more like Oh My God Buddy, but I don’t like to brag...I am very humble...Anyone who receives a paycheck from me will tell you.) Well, I don’t want to go into details about that because it didn’t last long…I only mention it now to indicate how my day started off bad…You know what........ just forget that last part. Let me start again. I had a bad day today...

Since I was running so far behind, I had to stop at a drive thru for breakfast. I ordered a coffee. The young girl at the window was so enamored of my chiseled features that she dropped the coffee on me, forcing me to return home to change clothes. By the time I changed, I was running so far behind I had to “fly” to campaign headquarters.

When I arrived at my campaign headquarters, I had several messages waiting for me. I cringed when I saw the first was from the NYPD. As I called my contact there, I wondered if this was a Peter problem or a Mother problem. This time it was my Mother. I rush down to the station and bailed her out for shoplifting, AGAIN. I asked her, “What did I ever do to you? You can’t still be holding a grudge for 32 hours worth of labor.” She just flipped her stupid hair, that must be where Peter gets it, and laughed at me like it was a joke. As we left the police station, I called headquarters. Just as I had suspected, the press had already got the story on the wire. I was 4 points behind as of yesterday. I don't know that I can get enough money from Linderman to bail me out this time.

Of course the story doesn’t end there, while I was bailing out Mother, Peter left me a voice mail to meet him at his apartment. God…What now?? When I arrived at his apartment, he wasn’t there. Great!! As I turned to leave the apartment, I was attacked by… nothing… No…Crap…It was Peter. The little snot has learned how to make himself invisible. I hope he isn’t planning to tell anybody about that…This is great, just great. The election is in a few days, Mother is getting arrested, and Peter is wasting my time playing hide-and-seek. Will he ever just grow up? He acts like I have it all. You know I wouldn’t mind living in Peter’s shoes for a while. It must be nice to quit your job and daydream about saving the world all day long. Maybe I want to sleep late, mope around, & grow effeminate hair…lol, lol, lol. Who am I kidding? I am so gorgeous I want to kiss my own face in the mirror. Plus one day, I will rule…I mean run this country.

Well I must go for now. Remember we must stay the course. Blah, blah, blah…Vote Petrelli

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