Thursday, June 7, 2007

I'm a ghost in purgatory...

My Fellow Heroes:

In my last blog at the Burnt Toast CafĂ©, I told you of my unfortunate demise and my subsequent trial in purgatory. Since my death occurred while performing a selfless act, I did manage to avoid the inferno. However, my questionable past also prevented me from entering Paradise. I did manage to distract myself from my fate by participating in the Last Gladiator Standing competition, but I was voted off earlier this week. At first, I pondered the injustice of it all; but then it occurred to me…My failure at the games may be a part of my overall destiny as a hero.

If memory serves me correctly, Dante had to journey up through the seven levels of purgatory as a means of redemption to enter paradise. I only skimmed that book in college, so I’m not entirely sure… Of course, I’m not trying to enter paradise, at least not yet. I want to go back to earth and try to redeem myself there. Hoping I would find a friendly soul, I looked around my immediate area. Sadly there was no real help to be found, but I did run into a cranky old man. He reminded me of Hot Wheels, my arch nemesis, but he said his name was Cato.

Anyway, Cato interrogated me about how I ended up here, and then informed me he had seen my type before and I would be screaming from the inferno soon enough. I begged him for help, but he would give me none. He did say the last time someone passed through purgatory, they had a spirit guide. He paused when he said this and looked around…Then the little jerk said, “I guess you don’t have one.” (Like I said, he reminded me of Hot Wheels.) Fortunately, what he said did jog my memory. I do remember that Dante had help from the spirit of Virgil on his journey through Purgatory. Virgil was sent by request to aid him, so what I needed was someone to send a spirit to help me. It was then that I decided to say a little prayer, hoping my dear Dad would hear me and send help.

When I opened my eyes, I was standing outside of a thatched hut. As far as the eye could see was beautiful green grass. A nice breeze rolled across the plain shifting the flowers back and forth in front of the window seal. Good old Dad, he really came through for me. I knocked on the door; and after a few minutes, it slowly creaked open. To my surprise, no one was there. I stood motionless for a moment wondering if the spirit in question was invisible. When I called out to ask if anyone was there, I received a sharp rap across my knee caps. I looked down only to find this guy.

After the initial surprise wore off, I said, “Aren’t you the guy who got lucky with Dolly Parton?”
You could have heard a pin drop in the silence that followed my comment. When the spirit (I learned his name is Master Yoda.) finally spoke, he said, “When reach my age- you do, get laid as much-you will not.

To this I could only smile. I leaned forward and assured him, “I’m not judging. I’m just impressed.” I then went on to tell him of my predicament, ending my story by telling him I was glad Dad came through for me and sent me to him. According to Yoda, he was advised by a woman that a visitor would soon arrive. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by that either. I guess there are lots of chicks in heaven who love me and want to see me happy. I did wonder about Dad, but I didn’t get the opportunity to question Master Yoda about him because Master Yoda spoke up and said, “Rest tonight-you must. Tomorrow-begin your journey-you will.”

He also pointed out to me that since I am going in the opposite direction Dante took, I will have to travel through the seven levels of purgatory in the opposite direction. Ironically enough, this meant that I would have to start in the level of purgatory that is portioned off for those who are ruled by lust. I feel a fit of nervous laughter coming…

Stay tuned.

Your loyal public servant

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